X Marks the Spot

I am ashamed to admit it took three months to get the ajaans out to a night club in Nan, but we finally did it. Determined to make it past my usual bedtime of 11 pm, I armed myself with a 30 minute pre-dinner napski and a can of 7-11 espresso. It was to be an epic evening in Nan.

We were picked up at the apartment around 9:30 last night by Au, a 30-something-year-old Thai woman we met and exchanged phone numbers with at Emily's first grader's birthday party a few weeks ago (she's his "auntie" which can mean anything from literal "aunt" to "cousin" to "mother's brother's niece's friend"). Au runs a small learning center in Nan and is about to open a restaurant with her British husband, Ian. We had run into her earlier yesterday in town, and she had insisted on taking us out. In the driver's seat of the tiny Honda was Au's friend Dick, (apparently spelled "Tick," but I'm going with what it sounded like), who runs a cosmetic store near Au's school and doesn't speak any English - "she's so nervous to hang out with you!" Au told us - but gave us translated compliments all night long nonetheless.

Sidebar: It only just occurred to me as I sat down to write this post that Au never asked me for directions to the apartment before picking us up... a fact that would seem odd or creepy in any other situation, but isn't surprising in the least in Nan. Probably the entire town knows where we live, and if they don't, it will be the first thing they ask upon meeting us.

Au and Dick took the four of us to a riverside restaurant bar for a round of beers, cashews, guava and pineapple - "bar food" in Thailand. Afterwards, we headed to "The Fifth," one of Nan's only two nightclubs, located off a back road in the center of town. The Fifth was every bit as delightfully seedy as we'd anticipated: disco balls, strobe lights, awful dance music blaring from the speakers, bar tables occupied by young Thai men dressed in tight graphic t-shirts and skinny jeans, and Thai girls scantily dressed in babydoll dresses. (The same for boy-ladies and ladyboys, respectively. Nan may be small and quaint, but there is no shortage of transsexuals here). A huge stage took up half the club floor, on which "go-go dancers" and an emo-pop band consisting of seven different lead singers alternatively appeared.

At the club, we were met by Lak, another 30-something Thai woman we'd met a few times before; Jenny and Jody, who are our age and frequent the City Park Hotel pool with us most weekends; Au's husband; and a handful of other farang teachers, including Mark, who was celebrating his 40-something birthday by having everyone in the group don a black curly "Afro" wig.

The night at The Fifth became increasingly ridiculous with each new bottle of Thai whiskey and bucket of ice that appeared at our table (Chang beer and exorbitant amounts of whiskey are really your two only options at Thai bars). No one at the club - outside of our group - spoke much English, but that didn't stop them from interacting with us. One Thai guy (we think he was a frontman for the band at one point in the night) professed his love for Emily by giving her a kiss square on the mouth as we walked past his table. (Our reaction: "Did that really just happen? Uhh yep.") Another Thai man with particularly foul breath and an unfortunate habit of close talking tried to engage me in conversation, but only knew enough English to say "beautiful" and type the letter "X" as his name into my handphone.

Prepare yourselves, Mom and Dad: Emily and I may have discovered the place where we'll meet our future husbands.

Singers at The Fifth (on the mic: Emily's potential soulmate)

How I disguise my golden locks: Lak, Emily and me

Although, apparently Emily appeals to both sexes in Thailand. We met two "boy ladies" in the restroom (I still haven't figured out the right terminology there), Pie and Yellow, who were clad in baggy jeans, glasses, and colorful braces, and were probably a few years younger than us. They quickly became very attached to Emily. After a few minutes of conversation in front of the bathroom mirror, during which we displayed the extent of my Thai language skills by telling our ages in Thai, Yellow swung her arm around Emily's neck and proclaimed, "les-bee-an! les-bee-an!" I tugged at Emily's arm and smiled and said "No, not today!" and ran out the door.

Around 4am - yeah, I can't believe we stayed awake that late either - Lak drove our big group home in her truck, making a pitstop at the restaurant Boom. (Incidentally, Boom is run by the family of my 6th grade student Bank 3, who thankfully did not have to witness Aj. Caitlin on her way home from "da club" last night). We feasted on Thai omelettes and pork, and entertained ourselves by having Mark do impressions of Kelly Osbourne ("But it's MY birthday!") and learning about the origin of the "two-fingered salute" insult from our British friends. Once we were stuffed, Lak got us home safe and sound, and promised us a repeat night of afros, boy ladies and X's next weekend.